Forgiveness. A word that can spark such a variety of thoughts and emotions – dare I say even all at once for some of us. I wonder at those who can seemingly forgive with ease. I wonder at those who can forgive extreme hatred and wickedness. Yet that’s what Christ did. Forgiveness shuts down the desire for revenge, I mean literally shuts down circuits in our brain that feed the obsession for revenge. Revenge is a temporary fix to the problem and we end up needing more and more of it, like an addiction. Forgiveness engages different circuits that lower the stress and bring a calm into the picture, not to excuse the offense, but to bring our heart and mind into a better focus for our own health, and for the health of our relationships. It’s actually fascinating to read how forgiveness vs. revenge affects our brains; I recommend checking it out. There are plenty of articles available!
In Matthew 18, as Jesus talks with His disciples about forgiveness, He moves into a parable about a king and his servant. The king was willing to forgive his servant, yet when this servant was faced with forgiving another person, he refused to extend the same grace shown to him by the king. The king heard about the this, and his servant paid the price. Forgiveness is meant to continue forward, to be a healing action for ourselves and for each other, forgiving just as God has forgiven us (Ephesians 4:32 and Colossians 3:13).
This brings me to a forgiveness that can sometimes be more challenging than forgiving the person next to us, and that is forgiving ourselves, especially if we’ve hurt someone close to us. What can make us refuse to forgive ourselves? Maybe we believe if we beat ourselves up enough it will make up for the offense. Maybe we believe that forgiving ourselves means we’re letting ourselves off the hook, and we deserve to suffer for the rest of our lives. I expect there can be a number of reasons behind refusing to forgive ourselves, and maybe the why isn’t the real question here.
Maybe the real question to be asked is this: Is not forgiving ourselves hurting someone? It hurts us: we’re not allowing ourselves to heal nor allowing ourselves to fully accept the grace God gives. What does that do to our relationship with God? What does it do to our relationship with others? For one thing, it can keep us in a state of worrying that we’re going to mess up again, which robs us of fully connecting with others. It robs us of the joy of friendship, and the beauty of forgiveness in our relationships.
If you’re in this place today, I’m praying for you. Nowhere in God’s Word does He expect us to hold our sins over our heads. He asks us to confess and repent, and receive His grace and living water. And if you’re in a place of struggling to forgive another person, I’m praying for you. God gives us the strength to forgive – even if the offender doesn’t ask for it; the act of forgiving still helps us in our healing. God knows forgiveness is hard; it’s a journey – look at the life of Joseph.
Praise God, He does not expect us to do life in our own strength. “His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness” (2 Peter 1:3). May you be strengthened today in God’s love and forgiveness, and His mercy and grace.